Fierce Widow

In early December 2015, the love of my life, my soul mate passed away suddenly. It was two weeks before my birthday and three weeks before Christmas. I’ve come to terms with the fact that December will always be a difficult month. Today marks 78 days since he’s been gone.

How have I lasted 78 days? Each day seems to roll into the next. I’m existing to exist but doing a dam good job of it! If all your doing is just opening your eyes in the morning and waiting for them to fill with tears, you deserve a medal because waking up with out our loves is hard enough let alone thinking about getting out of bed. If you don’t have children to motivate you than I take a bow to you, your amazing, you really are doing so well.

My days consist of waking at 5.30am to my 2 year old daughter wanting to play. I get out of bed for her, feed her, cloth her, entertain her with cartoons for 30min while I take time to sort out my head for the day. Is this really happening? What can I do today to feel close to you again? How can I keep you alive? Then I force us out of the house to do something fun, cause what I’ve learned from loosing the love of my life so fast is that yes life is way to short and nothing should be taken for granted.

Most days that im not at work we go to the beach, or search for fairies and giants in the enchanted forest. We have adventures. I visit close friends that knew my partner well so I can share in stories with them. I love talking about him. I have found since his death I am no longer as close to my friends but more his friends cause they knew him better and I feel like I can talk about him more.

I no longer have the care or energy to listen to friends whinge about their minor life issues, insignificant problems really when you look at the big picture. Its true that you have no idea what someone is going through unless you have gone through it yourself and in our case I wouldn’t wish this grief and loss on any innocent soul. No one understands unless they have lived it themselves. Don’t talk to me about your problems unless they are real cause I no longer have the strength to care about anything other than just getting through the day.

Talk to me about positive things, don’t invite me places instead just come around and drag me out of the house, don’t give me a choice. If I tell you NO, just sit with me in silence or ask me questions about my love or tell me stories about him. I love talking about him, don’t feel awkward, it helps me in keeping his memory alive. Its very important to me. I still think of him every second of everyday. Its been 78 days of him constantly on my mind so when you talk about him I don’t feel as alone in my thoughts.

Don’t ask me how im going its a really dumb question, if I was to answer you truthfully you might never speak to me again. People don’t like depressed people. Its a sad fact and so eventually when you think its been long enough and I should “get over it” or “move on” but I haven’t you will get over the friendship. Ill tell you this now, I will NEVER get over this loss, no matter what you think, do or say the pain will never end and the longing will never go away. I will learn to live with it and carry it for the rest of my life but I will never get over it.

Let me try to explain this loss, its almost impossible. Lets begin at the start of the day.

You wake alone in the bed you shared with your love, you cannot reach over to hold them or kiss them good morning or just watch them while they are sleeping. They are no longer there and never will be again. You do not get a good morning smile, touch or gesture of any kind you wake up alone when previously you woke everyday with the love of your life.

Then you get up to shower, there are no more flirtatious perverted comments from your partner as you walk naked to the shower. You can no longer feel them watching you with want or lust. There are no more cheeky glances or watching them brush their teeth while you wash your hair. No more fighting over hot water or sharing the shower together. No more intimate moments in the bath room, no one to hand you a fresh towel if you forget to grab one. You are all alone, you still use the same body wash they used just so you can have their smell for a moment.

There is no more brushing your hair in the mirror and your love grabbing you from behind and kissing your neck. There is no more yelling out “hurry up babe we are going to be late” or hearing “you look so beautiful when you first wake up”.

Then you get dressed alone with no one there to give you an honest opinion on how your outfit looks. Not that you care anymore as there is no one worth dressing up for, just yourself, his clothes still hang in the wardrobe and you look at them and wonder what he would be wearing today if he was here. You take a shirt in your hand and lean in wishing for his smell to still be there. Sometimes it is and your so grateful, other times you cant find it and you miss him even more.

You put your make up on for no one but yourself. So you can hide your tired eyes and let your friends think your doing well “oh your so strong” they tell you. You agree with them but want to scream “No im not”. You make a coffee for yourself in the last coffee cup that your love used, you now use that same cup every morning. You can remember vividly the last morning you had with your love. You wish for them to come back for the 6th time since you woke. You ache for them to come back.

You don’t bother with breakfast because you have lost your appetite since they’ve been gone and your lucky if the fridge has anything in it but food for the kids. You don’t bother feeding yourself anymore unless you feel like your going to pass out. You look at the cereal brand your love ate and think of the last time you went grocery shopping with them. You remember them placing the cereal box in the trolley. You miss making them breakfast, you miss them leaving a bowl full of milk on the bench for you to clean up. You miss watching them play with the kids before work.

You miss the house being full of noise, joy and laughter at 7am. You feel guilty that you are not the same fun energetic mum you were before. You make promises to yourself you will play more with the kids but then you cant think of anything but your love and your overwhelmed with sadness.

You get the kids in the car ready for day care or school and you drive to drop them off. In the car a song might come on that makes you cry or you might turn the radio off cause its to hard to listen that day. You drive past places you went to all the time with your partner. The service station, McDonald’s, car yards, fish and chip shops etc, they all jog memories. You wish again that your love would come back. You wish they were in the car with you, just how they had been when they were here.

There are no more conversations about work or chores around the house. No more talking about the future or plans for the weekend ahead. You put on a front for the kids and interact with them in the car while your in a constant daze with thoughts of your partner running through your head. You look to the empty passenger seat beside you and picture the last time that they were in the car with you, you miss them. You hope that they are sitting next to you in spirit and you talk to them.

You hope the next song that comes on the radio is a sign from them. You see people as you drive that look similar or are dressed similar to the way your partner dressed and for a second you think its them. You drop off the kids and wish they were there to say good bye to them. Now your alone in the car alone with your thoughts and you cry. You talk to your loved one and ask them why this has happened. You never stop thinking of them for a single minute.

You go about your day with them on your mind constantly, sometimes still checking your phone for messages or missed calls. You wish you could call them but you cant. You look through photos and watch videos of them when your alone and try to escape this new reality. You wish it was a nightmare. You go to places searching for them, but they are not to be found. You are consumed with grief everyday.

You call a friend to visit so you can have some distraction from your thoughts and end up talking to them about your love for hours. Trying to keep their memory alive, trying to feel close to them again. Everything you do is a reminder of time shared with them. Just walking through the grocery store or getting a coffee from a familiar place. You hold back tears because your in public. Sometimes though its to hard and so you put your sunglasses on.

You try to smile, try to live cause you know that’s what they want. Its not always a fake smile and fake happiness but they are never not on your mind. Sometimes you find peace remembering fun times with them and sharing those stories with others. Those are the good days.

The difficult days are the ones that you don’t remember them and don’t get to share those memories with anyone. You know your all alone now and its scary. No one understands what your going through. Your thankful to those who try and to those that don’t try to make little of your loss. You try to do things that you did together or as a family but there is something missing, its not the same and never will be again. The void will never be filled. You do new things that you haven’t done before and find yourself sad because they are not around to share in the moment with you. You wonder if they would be happy, sad or angry by the choices you have made since they have been gone. You try to explain yourself to them and hope they can hear you and understand. You wish you could hear their voice.

In the weeks after your soul mate dies you realize that everyone else has their own lives, their own families and they move on. You meanwhile are stuck, with all your future plans that are no longer possible. You know you must let go of those hopes and dreams but its a never ending battle. You wish you could turn back time. You wish this wasn’t the end, you don’t understand why or how this could happen to you. You cant fix it but you wish someone could. There is nothing anyone can do or say to ease the pain.

At night you dread going to sleep because you don’t want to go with out them. I personally stay up writing letters to him for hours about my memories of us. I write him letters about my day or about my thoughts and feelings.

When I do go to bed, usually very late I hope that I may dream of him that I may see him, talk to him and touch him. Your exhausted and you lay in an empty bed holding his shirt and scream into his pillow, your heart runs a million beats a minute and feels like its going to come out of your chest. Your in so much pain mentally and physically and you cry.

You make deals with god to see them again you talk to them and beg them to come back. You tell them you don’t want to do this without them. You ask them for a sign they are near. You tell them they cant leave you, but there is no coming back in the physical sense and it just hurts.

You long to feel their touch and have their arms wrapped around you once again. You think of the way they use to kiss you and brush your hair as you fell asleep and kiss your forehead. You say “I love you” you cry for them, you cry yourself to sleep. You wake during the night several times and search for their shirt, its become like a child’s comforter to you and you can not sleep with out it. You look around the room for them or listen for footsteps but there’s nothing. You wake after just a few hours to do it all over again.

You exist to exist. Take one day at a time as they roll so quickly into each other. You have trouble making future plans because they are not here to share in it. Holidays and birthdays are hard because you want to celebrate with the person you love the most.

Its been 78 days since I last laughed with him, kissed him, heard his voice, smiled at his smile, felt his heart beat, tasted his breath, felt at home in his arms and stared into his beautiful eyes. 78 days since I heard him say “I love you my gorgeous girl”.

We, the ones left behind live day to day holding strong in the face of others for our children, family and friends. Know that we will never get over it or move on, don’t push us to do so cause you will only push us away. We will never forget the love we shared with our partners or the future that we had planned. We will forever keep them alive in our hearts and each breath we take we are taking one for them.

With a heavy heart, love and sympathy. Thank you for reading, Love K

 

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