Faith has helped me a lot during this process, I am not religious but I do believe in an afterlife, that there is a God, angels and spirit guides that help us along our journey. I feel what has helped me the most so far is knowing that my love is still here, still with me everyday but just out of reach.
Signs from him are all around, I just need to open my eyes and let go of my thoughts. I still talk to him everyday and I am aware that my ego, my grief and my thoughts block out the small signs he gives me.
When I least expect a sign I get one. The past few weeks I had started to feel alone and like he was not here anymore. I began asking him to come back cause I couldn’t feel him. A song was playing on the radio that he liked so I was listening to it, just into the first chorus the radio cut out and went silent for a moment but not in the way it normally would, it was a little eerie. This grabbed my attention. Then a new song began to play, it was “where ever you will go” by The Calling. When I got home I googled it and found that the song had been written for a man who lost his wife. It was relevant to how I was feeling, the lyrics made so much sense to me. It was a sign from my love to let me know he was still here and not going anywhere.
How do we get through? Well we grasp what ever is helping us the most and we run with that. I take strength from partners personality and his love for life and all the little things in life that he appreciated, things that most of us take for granted. Like he did, I now consciously appreciate the air we breathe, the refreshing oceans we are able to cleanse our selves in, the cool breezes on hot summer days and the beauty in lightening storms. When I feel dark without him I open my eyes, look around and appreciate the light and beauty in life.
I believe we are all here to learn and grow, if the lesson is to learn pain and loss, we as people will grow through this. We will eventually take something away from the experience. Either we will live in the pain and loss for the rest of our life time or we can choose to take from our experiences. A wise friend recently said to me “How you view things, is pretty important” “How you choose to view it and use it and feel about it” “It doesn’t have to end” (in reference to my love and longing for him) “But not to wallow in pain, is different to remembering”. So to get through this I choose to remember him everyday, remember the beautiful soul he is and the beautiful man he was.
I choose to remember the way he lived life. With so much strength and confidence. He was so many personas, a cheeky man, a strong man, a kind and gentle man to those he loved. He was loyal beyond most and respectful to those who earned his respect. These were core values he held strongly. He was a protector and my knight in shining armour. There was nothing to be afraid of when he was around, I always felt safe in his presence because he was not afraid of anything.
Now I am no longer fearful of death because I know he will be waiting when its my time. I am however now fearful of life, scared of living life without him. This fear will take time to heal. I will push myself daily to live and laugh the way he did, cause I know it makes him happy to see me smile. It brings him peace to see I will eventually be ok. If the roles were reversed I would want to see this from him.
A quote from Lao Tzu “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage”. This quote is very true for me, my love gave me so much strength in the way he loved me, he lifted me and fulfilled me in every way. Through loving him, all of him, I gained courage. Now I choose to use that strength and courage, harness it and run with it.
For those of you who feel alone, so deeply lost in grief I want to leave you with the gift that my love recently gave to me. Its given me hope again, I wish it to do the same for you.
“Where ever you will go” – by The Calling
Sending you love, strength and courage, love K