Denial

Is this what denial tastes like? During grief we are told about various stages of grief that we should expect to go through. I am yet to experience them all, however today I feel as though denial has set in. Its almost four months since I last spoke to him, held him and kissed him. Today I spent the morning reading through months of conversations between my love and I.

Reading our conversations made it feel as though he is still here, his personality shining brightly through simple words put onto paper. Various memories surrounding those words ran through my mind as vividly as the day we had the conversations. Once I finished reading through it all, I took a drive. For a split second I thought I was driving to meet my love for lunch. I haven’t felt that way for a while.

Even as I write this, I am sitting in denial. I can picture my love at home mowing the lawn or maybe he is at work. I am waiting for him to send me a message about dinner or call me to ask what time I’ll be home. How is it possible to feel this way? I know my reality but at this present moment I’m not living in it. It’s very strange. Is it my imagination playing tricks on me? Is it a way for my mind to ease the pain? Has anyone else experienced such a delusion like this?

I have a habit of analysing my every thought and emotion. I actually don’t mind this denial, even though I know it’s not real and it won’t last. In the present moment I feel like my love is still here and in that I feel comfort and peace. As crazy as this sounds, right now in this moment I feel like I could call him and he would answer.

For now I’ll run with this delusion. I’ll try not to worry about the after effect it will have when I snap out of it. I’m sure I can’t be alone in feeling this way. I am sure I’m not crazy, I hope I’m not crazy.

I find it fascinating the games your mind plays to protect you. How powerful and deceiving the mind can be. Reality is I know my love has gone, but my mind is currently letting me believe he is alive. It’s a tugger war between the subconscious and conscious.

I wonder how long this delusion will last. I am surprised that it has occurred four months in, Dr Google advised it is a coping mechanism. This emotion happened randomly and suddenly, so a coping mechanism does make sense. I am torn and feel guilty in saying that right now in this moment I feel normal again.

Torn between my reality and this new stage of grief “denial”.

 

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3 thoughts on “Denial

  1. When I read through my me and my boyfriends texts, it really is like he’s here. Truly. I can hear his voice saying all of it. And then I wonder when he’ll reply, when will he reach out to me so I know he’s not gone. I guess I’m in denial too

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Four months is really no time at all. All those “stages” of grief will come and go and all blur together. If only it worked in a straight line then maybe we’d understand what was going on in our minds and in our bodies.

    I think I probably spent a good period of the first year in denial, perhaps even longer. I knew he was gone, but my head and my heart just couldn’t cope with actually understanding and accepting this as real.

    I think we do whatever we have to in order to survive the first year (and beyond). So if denial is it, then just go with it. Be gentle on yourself xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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