Do I dare to write this? Unveil the pain that surrounds my thoughts of the life we had planned. The future that is no more. I read a quote recently that said,
“When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you are healed”.
Depending on how you look at your situation there is a little truth in it.
The quote drew my attention but didn’t fit me as well as it might with others, so I decided to write my own similar quote,
“When you can tell your story without tears, you are beginning to heal”.
There are some conversations I try to avoid, telling stories about my love is easy. I love talking about him. However when it comes to talking about the future we had planned, well that is difficult. Thinking about that future is torture. Torture because our future, our hopes and dreams were so beautiful, so positive, and so perfect but now they can no longer be.
The only way to heal from this pain, is to face the pain. Face the perfect plans that we had and try to smile at the thought of them rather than cry. Practice makes perfect, so I’ll start here, start by writing about the future we dreamt of. Possibly with practice, I’ll be able to talk about those dreams without tears and ill begin to heal that part of myself.
Chapters of our stolen life
- Saying “I Do”
- Babies together
- The home we would have built
- Our travels and adventures
- Watching our children grow
- Rocking chairs and grey hair
Chapter One – Saying “I Do”
I can’t write it…
I sit here knowing exactly what I want to write but I cant…
My mind has put up a wall, with a huge sign that reads “you’re not ready to go there so don’t force it!”
I can and will say this though. We were so excited about every aspect of our future together! So excited, that every time we talked about our plans our hearts would race. The smiles we shared hurt our cheeks. The joy we felt lifted us to a level of happiness that was out of this world. When I think about how happy and care free we were in those moments, I can smile.
Healing will take patience and practice. This part of me may never heal and that’s ok. It’s ok because we loved deeply and our love is carried in my heart. That love is healing.
Fierce Widow 
I guess I should be grateful that we got to some of those chapters. We spent 7 years alone going through infertility treatment…then came our beautiful daughter and we had 14 glorious years with her. I am so blessed to have her. We moved into the house I always wanted after 20 years of living in a tiny house so I could be a stay at home mom and work part time then. Finally my dream house…and he died three days after we moved in there from a heart attack. I know the moving was a catalyst for that. He didn’t really want that house, but he did it for me and then he died before we ever enjoyed it together. It is the major source of guilt for me.
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We all have guilt, i feel like i should have called him earlier the day he died, i should have looked for him harder not assumed he was ok. He was missing i kept calling till late at night but then went to bed. We had the happiest time together in all our lives im grateful for that. Our future plans haunt me but ill always cherish the time we had xx
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