It all crashed down that day, many lives changed never to be the same. Time has moved so quickly. Right now I’m standing on a road perfectly motionless while life travels around me, people busy building their futures. In such a rush to get where they think they need to be. Not stopping to enjoy the present. Every now and then a busy passer-by rests and sends a smile my way. I appreciate them for spending time in the moment with me.
As much as you try to explain it, scream about it, cry about it or keep silent, the passes by will never see deep enough to understand the agony we face.
That day bought with it a thick fog that doesn’t recede, a heavy weight not only sitting in my heart but on my mind. Words are just not powerful enough. Stuck on the yesterday that was four months ago, meanwhile the passes by are living in the now wondering why I haven’t moved. My feet are not set in concrete, they are just very heavy and hard to lift.
I have changed I am not the same person I was before, I will never be that person again.
“People change for two main reasons:
Either their minds have been opened or their hearts have been broken”
Previously living in a blissful dream, with that single day came the harsh reality of life. A slap in the face, naturally people live life with the mindset “that’s so sad, that will never happen to me”. Unaware, oblivious and totally unprepared for having my life turned upside down, I was one of those people.
I never could have imagined this to be my life, so don’t be so naïve. Today might be the last day you speak to your partner, hear your partner, and touch your partner. Make the most of it! Treasure it! Life is fragile and unpredictable. Life really can change in the blink of an eye, it happens more often than most realise.
I saw a short film on face book that showed a huge blackboard where New Yorkers revealed their biggest regrets. Words not spoken, chances never taken and dreams never pursued. This is the link for the film – https://youtu.be/R45HcYA8uRA 
I wonder if that experience changed their way of thinking, their way of life or if they still live in regret. I wonder if an experience like that would have been enough for me to take notice and change. If I’m honest as much as I’d like to say yes, the answer is probably no.
Life has changed, my perspective on what matters has changed. I know what I want to do, but it’s difficult to move when there is no one to move with you. No one to share your thoughts with. No one to lift you when you fall or push you through the tough days. It’s just me, myself and I for motivation now.
This is the plan:
“Set some goals.
Stay quiet about them.
Smash the shit out of them.
Clap for your dam self.”
I needed to change the dreams that I had prior to that day. For a while I let them go altogether. I couldn’t think about pursuing the dreams that he was supposed to be a part of. I no longer have the same goals as I did before, it wouldn’t feel right to reach those goals without him. John Mellencamp who wrote the song “Jack and Diane” was quoted saying,
“Most people don’t ever reach their goals, but coming to terms with failed expectations is what counts.”
I’ve realised its only normal that my dreams change because I have changed. On my own I will lift my heavy feet, drag one foot in front of the other and take steps slowly towards my new goals.
When I reach those goals, I will look back and appreciate the significance of what I have achieved. I will be proud of myself. I will honour the strength and courage it took me to get there. I will remember who gave me that strength and courage to begin with. I will honour him, by living for him. I wont let that dark day hold me stagnant.
“Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone”
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Fierce Widow 