Fierce Widow

 

One of my favorite quotes has and always will be “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, then you would realize how amazing you are”.

I sent this quote to my love once, now I am thinking I should pay attention to it. On occasion I struggle with doubt. Do I have the strength to continue on this road, this path is scary, risk is scary but I remind myself that regret is scarier. Since my loves passing people have often said to me “your so brave, what you are doing to help others like you is great”. I constantly doubt myself and doubt if what I do with my writing is helping anyone but me. I hope it does because it helps me to help others. It gives me a feeling of purpose when all else has been lost.

 “Be the light for others that you are seeking in yourself.”

A good friend of my partners recently gave me a laptop that had been given to him. Pay it forward. A selfless gesture on his behalf, as he did have need for the gift. However, he thought of me and my writing instead of himself. Not only has this act of kindness helped assist me to cope with the loss of my love but it also inspired me to continue on this journey. Continue down the road when I had been thinking of taking the next exit.

Thoughts like “what is the point?” and self doubt “who am I to inspire anyone?” are constants on my mind. It’s only natural and I have come to realize that I am not alone in this feeling. This brings me back to the quote, I wish I could see myself through my friend’s eyes. See the belief they have in what I am doing. More than anything I wish my love were here pushing me and believing in me, then I would believe in myself again.

So often I look at other people’s lives and can see the potential and beauty in them when they cannot see it themselves. I can see the path they want and should follow, but they hesitate out of fear and doubt. I am guilty of this also. When you go through a huge loss, grief wakes you up. You hold onto the small things in life that are actually the big things. Grief gives you a new perspective, my new perspective is that life is to short not to follow your dreams, to short not to take the hard road.  At some point we have all had dreams and aspirations, then we get caught up in life and before you know it years have passed and those dreams become distant. Sometimes it takes a slap in the face to wake us up.

My mum who early last year was diagnosed with terminal cancer said, she had always wished she knew when she was going to die but now that she knows she has stopped living. The motivation is not there; she can’t see the point now that she knows. It took me a while to understand what she meant. It’s not that she doesn’t want to live, it’s what difference will it make when she has the same outcome. She no longer has the time to accomplish the dreams she had so she wishes that she didn’t know. For her, knowing takes the life out of life.

Our time here is short and unpredictable, if I were to go tomorrow I would be ok because I have begun to do what makes me happy. If I listen to my doubts and stop now I would be disappointed in myself looking back. There will always be people around to tell you you’re not good enough, to tell you everything that’s wrong with you and everything that’s wrong with your life. It’s your life, you only have one, you’re here for yourself, no one else. Be the best version of you. Don’t waste life taking on board negative remarks, letting other people put you down, try to believe in yourself, I believe in you.

Realize that for every negative person in your life there are also the positive ones, the people who believe in you when you don’t believe in yourself. Like my friend who gave me the laptop. Surround yourself with those people. The people who only want to see the best for you. They will lift you and encourage you. I believe that everyone has the potential to achieve their wildest dreams. The trick is not allowing emotions like doubts and fears to stand in the way. I believe my partner would be proud of me.

“You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.”

Where this road takes me I have no idea, for now though I wont turn off, ill accelerate in hope of a beautiful destination. Hope was lost for a while, but life can not continue to be lived without it. However small the hope is that you have, hold it tight, feed it and watch it grow.

Thank you all for giving me hope.

Love K

Follow FW on Facebook