Behind My Words

“Sharing the beauty of your heart, allows readers a glimpse of your soul”

Everything I write is real. I for some reason feel ok to share the raw and sometimes dark mess of myself with the world.

An open book but with secret pages.

I love the people I meet that can see through my bullshit façade, see the weakness behind my strength. It means that like me they pay attention. Craving deeper understandings and connections with others.

I call these people my soul mates because I learn from them.

Through meaningful conversations that awaken your subconscious thoughts. They can give you the reality check you hadn’t been looking for.

In the face of the ones closest to me, my lifelong friends. I am the strongest person they have ever met. In some ways it’s truthful.

Here is my illusion, I can be anonymously honest online and say that underneath my skin is a frightened girl in need of someone to hold her hand. In truth I have never been on my own. Having always shared my life with a partner or a parent.

I do not think of myself as fierce that is rather a name I aspire to reach.

“Your sparkle only shines as brightly as you allow it to”

I am learning independence now, what a huge lesson it is!

To all the kind souls who seek me out because I have touched your heart or inspired you. You inspire me and that is my truth. Know that I can only share and offer support from my experiences, let your heart and intuition guide your experiences.

The reason behind why I began to write is selfish.

My mind only ever consumed with thoughts of my love. I began this blog for my sanity, the only time I don’t feel as though I’m in a fog is when I’m writing. It is near impossible for me to focus on anything else. I realise this is not healthy.

Another reason I do this is because I need a purpose, I need to put hope back into my life.

Life can not be lived without hope. At 78 days I wrote “I am existing to exist”. I don’t want to be existing to exist. He would hate that. One of the qualities he loved most about me was that if I wanted something I went after it.  I refuse to let him down.

I write for my love as much as for myself. His life will never be forgotten as long as I write, he lives on in my writing. I will be his voice, I will breathe for him, I will show the world who he was.

I told you it was selfish.

The realisation was that after I started this blog it began to help others like myself. Women and men all over the world. It has become not only a voice for my love but a voice for the widowed. Countless thank you emails and messages were received after “78 days of a widows grief” was published. It was overwhelming that so many people suffer through this loss.

In my selfishness I am helping to voice the feelings and emotions of others like me and that gives me purpose. I need to say that out loud for it to sink in. Its very surreal and somewhat unbelievable that my words can have such an enormous impact on people.

That comes back to needing to believe in myself and its hard to do without my love.

Confidence and my self-esteem wear thin without him here. Compliments for some reason make me nervous. I have tried to remain fairly anonymous in my writing, because I fear judgement. Not from my soul mates, but acquaintances.

People who think I should be moving on with my life. Well this is me moving.

What does that fear say about me? I am only as strong and as fearless as I believe myself to be and the same goes to anyone reading this.

My personality is somewhat an illusion, daily I strive to turn that illusion into truth.

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