As the cooler months approach, anxiety creeps under the sheets with me. It jumps out from the wardrobe and my drawers as I reach for an item of clothing that I wore last winter.
With that maroon coloured jumper that I bought specifically to match black jeans, purchased with my love in mind. Purchased with the thought he would love to pull this off over my head.
The jumpers, the jeans, the long sleeves and the skivvies to hide intimate bite marks.
With my winter wardrobe flows treasured memories I long to relive and I’ll never forget. Who would ever think that such a trivial thing like my wardrobe would hold so much significance to our life together. Well it does!
When I would partake in retail therapy, I would do so with the intent on dressing to impress him. Dressing for his eyes only, I loved to look good for him. I was so happy to be his and I will always be proud to say I shared my life with this man.
Along with the wardrobe comes the season styled bed spreads. The winter tones of greys and soft blues. We bought them together last winter, we slept under them together in each other’s arms. These items had been packed away when summer rolled in. Unpacking them opens up the stored memories around that time of year.
Memories of my love standing across from me on the opposite side of the bed. Each holding onto corners of the sheets as we made our bed together. Smiling across to one another and throwing pillows at each other in response to cheeky comments made.
Vividly beautiful day dreams of those moments fleet through my mind. I can see his blissful cheeky smile, the sheets floating in the air and streaks of sunlight streaming across our room.
I can still feel the same cool breeze flow through the window that he would annoyingly leave open. Remembering myself pulling him closer as my personal heater. Sharing body heat to keep warm, I felt so at home and at peace in his embrace.
This is the fog I have lived in since December.
The day dreams, the thoughts that never end, the unanswered questions. It drives me crazy not being able to focus on or think of anything else. Memories of sitting outside in the cold night air. Face to face sipping on hot tea, intertwining my legs in his to keep warm. Leaning in to taste the tea on his lips. Holding each other face to face on the lounge under a cosy blanket.
There will never be another winter as warm as the one we shared.
The scent of his jacket as he placed it over my shoulders. The heat radiating from his skin as I positioned my head on his chest. Feeling his heart beat under my palm. How I long for his warmth. His kind, strong and gentle touch. Will I be lost in our memories for the rest of my life?
So quickly five months has flown by. Where have you been the last 140 days? I have been standing almost motionless watching the world continue around me. As though someone pressed pause on my life and fast forward for the world. The seasons change but I can’t seem to find the part of myself that was left in December.
Awaking with each new morning and wishing I were still asleep. Wanting to stay unconscious from this nightmare that is life without him. Like it was when he was here, my first thought in the morning, my last at night and now every minute in between.
A constant fog of my love.
The cold touches my bones now and I ache for his warmth, flesh to flesh with heat radiating between us. The silence in this house is so loud, its deafening being so quiet. What I would give to have his laughter warm the room or hear just a whisper from him again.
To take a mid night winter walk with him, just us and the stars.
Running along the beach together to keep warm in the cool night air, I would turn to face him with a smile. I can still see the moonlight on his face, is eyes so bright and his smile so wide. We were living a dream, how hard it is now to live in reality.
With this winter will come the tough veracity of my loneliness, in that single word is an unpredictable range of emotions. Each season will bring with it new waves of grief to ride. Lacking experience and insight to a widow’s winter I can only try to prepare myself for it.
It gives me strength knowing that even though my skin may be cold, my heart will remain warm filled with memories of last winter.