The pain of experiencing new firsts ends, when gratitude for the joyful firsts begins.
First loves at thirteen, first date, first relationship, first touch, first “I love you”. Together we experienced almost all of the important firsts. True unconditional love, we always dreamt of being each other’s first and last everything.
When he was here excitement surrounded all the firsts. Actually making point of another first that we experienced together or planned to experience. For us firsts were always a big deal. Something we both got excited about, something that bought us both joy.
There are new types of firsts now, firsts that are not exciting at all rather they are dreaded.
My birthday without him, our children’s birthdays, parents birthdays, sibling’s birthdays. Public holidays and weekend lunches or activities with friends. Going to places you hadn’t been without them. Our children’s first experiences. Watching them grow and learn new things and he is not here to share the moment with.
Firsts without him are a grief trigger. They are so incredibly difficult to endure. Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day and Easter were all difficult. My loves birthday will be difficult, he would have turned 30. Now he is forever 29. The first year anniversary of that day I believe will be the hardest by far. The hardest because it sets in concrete, the reality that I try endlessly to escape.
Reminiscing on the firsts that we shared together gives me strength. Holding onto those memories and replaying the moments like a vivid movie in my head. The giddiness and immaturity around our first date. The nervousness, love and comfort with the memory of when we first made love. The feeling of content, pure happiness waking up next to each other for the first time. The joy in knowing how much each of us loved one an other. Star gazing in each other’s embrace for the first time. The excitement that was felt when planning our future firsts. The peace and relaxation that came with our first holidays together. Being with each other, came the first time that each of us felt complete.
With gratitude I fight through the firsts without him.
Grateful for you,
To feel this loss and suffer the pain of losing you is to embrace the love I have for you.
I am grateful for the strength of our love.
For your smile and the sound of your laughter, how quiet life would have been not to have heard it.
For your touch, kiss and warmth, how cold my heart would be now not having felt you.
For your love, for our love, how sad life would be not having experienced true love with you.
The life, love and firsts we shared take precedence over the firsts without you.
Most important to me is that we were blessed to share our lives together.
Grateful that you love me, I am grateful to love you.
For you I am grateful.
Grateful for every breathe he took, forever grateful for every second we shared together. I try to fill the negatives in my life with a positive. So for all the negativity around new firsts without him, I will think of and be grateful for all the firsts that I was fortunate enough to experience with him. My heart is grateful.
Searching for the light in a dark day can sometimes seem an impossible task. So I dig for it, without it I know ill begin to loose myself.
Nature, people, happiness, beauty, laughter. The grass looks greener today, that bird is blissfully unaware of the tragedy in my life. The young lovers sharing a coffee and laughing together. The old man sitting alone reading his paper. The teenage boys riding their bikes down the street. A young woman smiling at a text on her phone. Consciously stopping mid thought to view life happening around me, its bittersweet yes. It’s also undoubtedly beautiful.
I am grateful for today, grateful for the past, I am grateful for life.
Fierce Widow 