Painfully and with shame I admit that at times I hold resentment toward all my responsibilities in this life. Everything that keeps me here, that keeps me from my love. Including my family and friends. Resenting the love I have for them, if not for them I might be free. This mindset is depressing, I loathe feeling this way.
“Staring through a stained glass window, her pain is masked perfectly behind art.
The man who crafted the window, waits in patience for the day she allows him to shatter it”
Feeling like this is a reminder that I was fortunate to have loved deeply, so it’s natural to feel profound sadness now. Take a deep breath in and exhale the resentment I hold. When I look into my children’s eyes I feel so much shame for allowing myself these thoughts. Never would I or could I act on these dark emotions and out of that resentment is created. In hope that by admitting these emotions and writing about them I will move past them. My gratitude and love for my children outweighs resentment most of the time. They are the very reason I am here and I am so grateful for them.
What I have become aware of is that the dark feelings are fleeting. They come and go always continuous but never permanent.
The feeling of resentment brings with it another feeling. Depression, and that is much worse.
Depression is something I have been familiar with my entire life. Not completely experiencing its effects myself, but watching a parent struggle through its depths. I describe it like a ripe tide, sucking the life out of you then pushing you back to shore before pulling you out again. A life sucker constantly weighing its survivors down.
Depression lingers but I won’t give into it, I’ve seen how it can change a person. I will push myself out of it and away from it by whatever means necessary. I will not let myself become stuck in a rut. Lately to do this I’ve had to suck up my pride and call out for someone to throw me a rope. As much as I try to keep closed my emotions and let friends think I’m strong enough. This loss is overbearing and I have to face that I am slowly sinking.
So I called out “throw me a line” and if you ask you shall receive. My friends decided rather than just a line they would build me a boat. Granted, it has leaks and holes but it won’t sink being built on their love.
As long as I have them to tell me what they see in me, why they need me and pull me up when I’m being ridiculous I will be ok. We all need reassurance and a purpose. When I felt lost just recently my friend sent me a quote that said,
“Place your hand over your heart, do you feel that?
It’s called purpose!”
As I read it I cried, resenting my purpose. Thinking she doesn’t understand. Then I re-read the quote after I calmed down. And I realised I was the one who didn’t understand, but now I do. I was upset with my children for being the main thing keeping me in this life, but when I understood the quote I realised if it wasn’t them it would be something else. Even if just my heart beat.
So today I feel grateful for the friendships in my life, grateful for the girls with their buckets ready when my boat starts to fill.
Grateful for my heart beat.