Fierce Widow

The question I hate most is what’s wrong? It is continuously asked, like I should be better now. You have moved on with your life so I should as well. When I stepped into the fifth month of this grief I purposely stopped counting the days. Truthfully, because I have been pretending he is just away somewhere but he is coming home. That’s not something I can continue to do. Yesterday a friend of mine said to me “he is not coming back.” Those words hit hard.

It still seems like yesterday I was in his arms and we were lost in life together. There has been maybe two days that I haven’t shed silent tears. I’m not over it, I’ll never be over it, I still don’t believe it. That brings me to letting go. I’ve read so many quotes recently about letting go in order to move forward. Many friends have said the following pressing words to me “you need to it let go”.

Let go of what exactly? Let him go? Let go of the love we shared? Possibly it’s just me but letting go doesn’t sit right.

The quote “if you love something let it go” has always seemed ridiculous to me. Why would I let go of something I love? “If you love something embrace it and never let it go” There is no end to the love we shared together. I will hold onto that love for the rest of my life.

“Tears are just the words my heart cannot voice”

If you manage to catch me with tears that I try hard to hide, don’t ask that dreaded question “what’s wrong”. You know the answer but you ask anyway, playing dumb. I know it’s easier for you if I hide these emotions but sometimes it’s just too hard.

Don’t change the subject and dismiss my sadness just because you feel uncomfortable. Instead say to me “it is so unfair, I’m sorry you have to go through this” then hug me until I let you go. Understand that time hasn’t passed for me like it has for you. Each day can only be described as a though I’m living surrounded by a heavy fog. This fog is so thick that I can’t see what’s ahead of me, I can’t think about what’s in front of me most of the time because all I can think of is my love. A weight on my mind constantly.

If you want to lighten the heaviness of this fog, walk through it with me.

The days pass by so quickly but I don’t notice them moving. Only reminded that I am still breathing by the absence of his soft kiss, his loud laugh, the lure that was in his eyes. I long for his presence. My friend boldly with love and concern questioned me recently “do you want to live in this pain? If not you need to let go”.  As I sit here and write I am hoping for the all inspiring realisation to hit me. Is letting go really just another term for acceptance?

I’ve been constant in saying “living in denial is my safety net, my ocean.” I have stated I am afraid to push myself into the storm raging above the waves. I have been somewhat comfortable drowning. That’s just it though, in denial I’m drowning. Not moving in any direction, rather slowly sinking to the sand. That’s not where I wanted to end up but I feel I’ve hit bottom.

I recently took a walk under the stars at our favourite place. Surrounded by dark shadows and eerily beautiful sounds of leaves rustling in the wind. Solitude brings with it some sanity. In conversation with my love I rested on the top of the cliff, stared out to the ocean and cried to him. I whispered to him sweet confessions and reminisced on our times spent there together. “Do you remember…..?” were the questions I cried, for the first time I didn’t only ask him “why?”

Naturally concerned with where he might be, I pleaded with him to hold onto our love and our memories and use them to get him through. Was I pleading to myself as well?

Not wanting to hit the bottom is all well and good in theory, but foolish of me to think it wouldn’t happen. You can only pretend to be strong for so long before the mask gets pulled off. I know what I should be doing, I should be using the sand under foot as a platform to push directly into the storm. I now feel as though the storm maybe the safer option. Denial is necessary sometimes for comfort but it’s not a safe place to stay. I will not come to acceptance by living in denial. I will not let go of the thought that he will come back if I stay in denial.

Again I will say “Being strong is to feel pain, not fear it” so here goes…

He is DEAD

That was brutally painful for me to type, it’s still impossible to push that word past my lips. I’ve taken the first step though. No sugar coating reality with words like “passed” that make it softer to bare.

The lyrics in one of our songs sing

“Oh, don’t be scared about it Don’t forget it was real Do you remember the way it made you feel? Do you remember the things it let you feel? How do I make you stay when it’s easier to let you go?”

Here is a link to listen to it – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQ7XJG0Z2ho

We didn’t let each other go while he was here, we fought for our love, fought to find our way back to each other. We took the hard road that lead to the most beautiful destination. Back then it would have been easier to let each other go, but we wouldn’t have experienced being in love, happy and free again.

Letting go of my denial is the silently painful hard road that I have to face alone. I will face this road with courage, remembering our love is real, holding onto the things it let me feel. I will not let go of him or our love but I will try to let go of my denial and ill hope for calm after the storm.

“Harder to let it go”