Could It Be The Moon

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“Like the moon controls the tides, only she can control her emotions”

I will often be found writing letters to my love when the sky is as dark as I feel. I sit alone atop the beach point, which was and always will be “our place”. In silence I write to him, talk to him and cry to him. In recent weeks I have ended up sitting and staring out at the ocean almost every night. Somewhat soothing, the solitude is usually peaceful.

The last week however I have not been able to find peace anywhere, not even the waves have been able to calm my mind. Lunacy is how I have been feeling recently, like I’m going crazy. I’m not going crazy though, I’ve realised the full moon has been messing with my emotions.

It seems silly to think that the moon could affect us like that but there is science behind it. After all, the earth’s surface is 80 percent water; the human body is 80 percent water, so a human tidal effect makes sense. What happens at a full and new moon is that the earth, moon, and sun are lined up, resulting in higher tides than usual.

More intense thoughts and emotions than normal. Like the waves of grief come and go, it’s no different with the full moon, we need to stay strong and wait for it to pass.

In desperation last night, I sat up at the point. The full moon in all its glory didn’t seem too far out of reach. Its reflection rested gracefully on the ocean drawing me in to gaze at its beauty. Searching for a way out of the pain, knowing I had reached my limits, I texted a friend who called me back instantly. Struggling to breathe through the tears they calmed me and asked the question “what are you grateful for?” I replied “my children” My friend then spoke “I ‘am grateful for you”.

Earlier that evening I had begun to write a letter that I never thought I’d write, I couldn’t finish the letter because there was nothing that could justify the magnitude of the effects my actions would create. The tidal wave of pain and suffering it would bring to the people who love me. I could never intentionally instil the same pain that I live with daily onto a person I love.

Extremely embarrassed by my behaviour and thoughts in the last few days, I was a little hesitant to write about them. But this is the point of my blog, to share and to help others understand the unspoken. I shouldn’t feel ashamed for feeling this way at times and neither should anyone else. It’s called grief! Something that will never end, something we will learn to live with. The hardest lesson in life that anyone can be given. I do not have these thoughts every day or even every week and I know that by admitting these emotions I’m releasing them.

Feeling alone and isolated in emotions is dangerous. Friends and family can’t always be there for us.  I know this seems minor and simple, but last night this simple quote spoke magnitudes to me.

“And if your ever feeling lonely just look at the moon.

Someone, somewhere is looking right at it to.”

My friend who I was on the phone with lives quite far away and they asked me last night “What are you thinking about now?” I replied “how beautiful the full moon looks on the ocean.” Then they said “I’m staring at the moon as well, so we are not as far apart as it seems”. I had read that quote so many times but had never stared at the moon and thought someone else would be looking at it as well. The feeling at that realisation last night was nothing short of total amazement. This world really is so small, there are so many people going through and doing the same thing as me.

I wondered would my love be staring at the moon as well. Are we really that far apart? In that thought came the peace I was searching for. I wasn’t as alone as I felt and neither is anyone else.

I am certain it is the full moon that has increased the intensity of my emotions over the last few days. What I’ve noticed from people around me is that most of them are also feeling not quite themselves. So I wanted to share this thought with you all. If you are feeling more out of sorts than usual, know you’re not alone in this feeling.

If you go outside to look at the moon, know that I and many others are looking at it with you.

Sending love and strength, K

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One thought on “Could It Be The Moon

  1. As I was scrolling some pics I saw G’s last pic that I took in the ambulance. After that I searched for easy ways to die and researched sleeping pills in detail. In that moment I just wanted to die too. But the moment passed. I know there will be many more moments like this, all I have to do is wait for them to pass.

    Take care, and remember you have a lot of kindred souls in this web space. Reach out to anyone at any time. Sending you hugs. Be safe

    Liked by 1 person

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