I was never prepared for losing him.
Never would I have been ready to say goodbye. Never could I have imagined a day without him in it. And as the sun sets each evening and the moon lights up the night sky, brutally painful clouds roll in with the thought that another day has passed without him here.
Life gave me no warning. He was here. Leaving gigantic footprints in my life and now he’s gone. The man who will forever hold my heart, the man that I planned on sharing the rest of my days with. I write days because there are no guarantees. But rarely do you think about that until life slaps you in the face. Waking you up from your perfect dream land, tearing apart your heart and future in a single second.
The second that his heart stopped beating.
I thought we had time, I thought we had our whole lives ahead of us.
Time is not on your side. Time does not heal. Time will not wait for you to be prepared.
The giant leaps in life, will not wait until we’re ready to take them. The holiday that keeps getting put on hold. The choice to go back to work or start something new. The decision to move house or not. If the memories haunt you, just do it. It’s your life and tomorrow is not promised.
There are risks with every split decision and well thought out plan made. No risk will ever be simple. The chance of failure sits right next to the chance of happiness and success.
If I remain motionless and choose not to take the risk that I’m waiting to be ready for, then I’m allowing failure to slowly swallow me. The last seven months of my life have disappeared so quickly. A thick fog, full of yesterdays and time that will never be returned. If I continue waiting to be emotionally ready to take a leap forward, I’ll be waiting my entire lifetime.
Life is one big daunting unknown and we just have to decide which parts of it we want to dive into. To choose the unknown that delights us or the unknown that drains us. The unknown that inspires us or the unknown that tears us apart.
The goal is no longer to be ready or prepared, instead it’s to live out the chaos until it’s clear. To take a leap, to take a risk and tell myself “you can do it”. People become strong, by first being weak. And we become ready, by first being entirely unprepared. Being brave is to feel pain not fear it.
So why not take the road that challenges you? And embrace in the choices that will allow you to grow. Pour your heart and soul into something that inspires and stimulates you and ultimately leaves you better for having done it.
We will never truly be ready for anything that comes our way in life. But with character, resilience, curiosity and simple human nature we grow with whatever road we walk.
We just have to risk taking those first steps – prepared or not.
Fierce Widow 