Fierce Widow

The silence that comes with the absence of him haunts me. A stillness in my home that’s suffocating.

I long for sound, for his voice, for his laugh.

The last few weeks I have kept myself distracted and surrounded by people, sounds, voices and laughter. I thought I had been doing well, until last night.

It was the first night I have spent completely alone, without friends and family present or near. I planned for it to be a relaxing and peaceful night. I cleaned the house, cooked a meal for one, lit a candle and sat alone in deadening silence.

There was no solitude or peace that came with this silence, instead my head ran with thoughts of missed conversations and a future that we were robbed of. I began to watch home movies, which I hadn’t done for a while. Listening to his voice and watching him laugh and smile carried me to the dark emotions I constantly run from.

Haunted by our memories and tortured with thoughts of our future lost.

I felt so alone.

The air in the room seemed heavy, full with the weight I’ve been trying to ignore. Then began the tears, the physical ache, the gut wrenching pain, the feeling as though something dark and evil has reached its claws into your chest and ripped out your heart with great force.

Silent screams escaped me once again.

In this state it is hard to be rational. I swore profanities and grit my teeth in effort to release some of the pain. I hoped he was sitting beside me, holding me. I imagined he was there, feeling helpless at the sight of me in pain. I begged “please come back” and cried “I wish you were here!!!!”

I wanted someone to save me from my mind, but I am the only person capable to do that. No one can ease this heart ache, no one can bring him back. I am my own hero.

A friend of mine I had spoken to earlier in the day suggested meditation to help me sleep. So in the midst of my breakdown I surrendered to the idea. I closed my eyes and tried to focus only on my breath.

Concentrating on the rise and fall of my chest, slowly my breathing changed from gasping for air to a semi normal pace. Heavy tears still dropped from closed eyes but within a matter of minutes they slowed. I consciously tried keeping my thoughts and focus on only my breath and with this I became relaxed. The panic state and anxiety no longer consumed me.

Yes, I was alone, I am alone, but I have been alone before I can do this.

Just keep breathing.

Silence invites thought, my mind runs wild with day dreams, nightmares, guilt, anger and pure love. Escaping silence is impossible and running from reality proves to be difficult.

I realize that I am constantly going back and forth with my emotions.

Just as you think your ok, its hits. A whirlwind, tornado of sorrow, sadness, peace, anger, denial, longing, clarity. Always present, always unpredictable. Grief is unlike anything! Unique to each of us. A personal nightmare.

Perfect memories haunt me, but the thought of never having made those memories is worse. His voice in our family movies still makes my heart sing. I flirt with the memory of his mannerisms and his cheeky laugh.

Sweet joy surrounds hearing him say my name, his voice the most beautiful sound my soul has ever heard.

Missing him and longing for him is the price for loving him and that love is priceless.