It’s been 7 months and 18 days…
Life after this loss could never have been imagined.
Constantly haunted with thoughts of him. Haunted, because it’s painful to have to live this way. You never get over it, you learn to live with it. And to say it’s unfair is hugely understated.
This unfair new reality is waking almost hourly throughout the night. Every night! The living nightmare continues into sleep and you wake startled by your dreams. A mental and physical darkness, reaching for your partner but they are not there to comfort you. Unfair is being too frightened to fall back to sleep.
All you want is to hold them and be held by them. It’s unfair.
Unfair that you never get to hear their voice in person! Unfair that you cannot feel their warm skin pressed gently to yours! Unfair that your haunted by the image of them lifeless when all you wanted was to hold them, kiss them and bring them back somehow! Unfair that they will never physically be in your presence again. You ache for their presence.
Unfair that everywhere you go are reminders of the perfect life you once shared with them. EVERYWHERE!
With everything you do they haunt your thoughts. Consumed is an understatement.
Longing that consumes and brings you to physically ache, your heart races riddled with anxiety. Avoiding particular places that once brought you so much joy. Avoiding the sweetest memories of your life past, because pain surrounds the thought that you will never have that experience again. Pain echoes with items they owned, places you both went to, activities you participated in.
Consumed is an understatement.
No concentration what so ever to get through daily jobs that were once second nature. Life around you falls apart completely and you’re left all alone to rebuild it, because no one has perspective or understanding on grief until they have lived it.
The fact is, the reality is, your mind grows use to living in a fog, use to living with sorrow, use to living with tears. It adjusts to this new reality so that you can seemingly function again. But you barely do.
Unfair that life as we knew it, love as we felt it was taken away.
Grief is torturously unfair, it is something that no one with a soul should ever have to experience. Pain that never leaves you, ruthless, unimaginable, brutal and unpredictable.
Out of grief your heart grows with compassion. Deep grief opens your mind to feel every experience deeper than before. You become patient, overly considerate and empathetic toward people around you.
The suffering you live with wouldn’t be wished upon anyone and in an effort to help heal your heart you find comfort in helping to heal others. To distract from your own pain and suffering you open yourself to other people’s suffering. You are now understanding on a level that only comes with experiencing grief.
There is a bittersweet beauty that comes out of being unfairly broken.