Today I am Not Ok,

Some days I am ok, but not today.

Today emotions run wild and it feels as though I’ve been thrown back into December. To the month that shattered the world as I knew it. Today I am not ok, but that’s ok!

Today I hurled breakable possessions at walls, I screamed at the top of my lungs with no one around to hear. Today I tore the house apart, I stared at my broken reflection and watched tears fall from blood shot swollen eyes. Today I wanted to die.

Today I am angry that I have to be here, today there is so much pain. Digging nails into my flesh and pulling at my hair, I scream for him to take this pain away.

Does he hear me yell “when are you coming home?” and cry “how much longer will you be?”

Today I stared at a knife on the kitchen bench and thought “I ‘am so gutless!”. Today I feel defeated. Today I am exhausted. Every day is spent wishing he were here, but today was much more than that. Today I am beaten.

Every day, he is everywhere but nowhere!

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I try to calm down so I take a shower, but the water doesn’t scald my skin enough. I feel desperate, as though I physically want to burn. My heart is racing so fast and I wish it would just stop beating. Before December, never could I of imagined what it felt like to actually feel so much heart ache that you long for the day it’s all over.

Today I know what it feels like to wake and wish I’d never opened my eyes.

Today I cannot find my smile. Today I am simply existing in darkness and longing. Today I feel weak.

Afraid of myself and terrified to be alone, today I want to be rescued. Today I am merely fragmented pieces of the person I once was and my knight is nowhere to be found. No matter how loud I cry for him, how much my heart bleeds for him, I know he is never coming home.

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I do not feel encouraging, today I only feel empty. Parts of me forever missing because I miss out on him.  Today I will confess to the world the chaotic mess in my mind, because I know I am not alone in this chaos.

There are days that I don’t believe the sun is going to shine. And it’s perfectly normal for me to feel this way, because I lost the brightest part of my life. People ask, how are you doing? I don’t answer truthfully though because I know only few really care.

Society doesn’t like to hear about the dark side of grief, but it needs to be heard. The weight of carrying it alone at times gets far too heavy. There are days that we crumble no matter how sturdy our walls may look. Days that we do not possess the strength and the fight to make it through alone. Days where we need someone to draw our sword for us and fight the battle with us. Days that the silence becomes to deafening but just the sound of another’s presence allows us to hear with clarity again.

Not every day, but some days…

So my plea is this. If you are a friend of someone grieving, one of the few who care, do not wait for them to reach out to you. Please try to notice their pain. Know they are not ok and it’s ok for them not to be ok.  The grief of losing the love of your life is all consuming. It does not end. Not after three months, or six months or a year. Grief will always be there.

If you receive a message that may only read, what are you doing today? Please do not ignore it.

No one should ever have to grieve alone.

Today I am sending you all love and strength. Know that today you are not alone.

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5 thoughts on “Today I am Not Ok,

  1. I’ve walked that dark road and know it all too well. Some days are really tough and the pain seems unbearable. I’m sending you love and healing energy. You will be in my thoughts today.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You words, you personally, have helped me through some of the darkest moments of my life. We will likely never never meet, never be present in the same physical space. Regardless, your words hit home is a very visceral way.

    Don’t ever think that by not picking up that knife you are showing cowardice. That is a strength and form of courage that many have found themselves incapable of. And the momentary lapse of strength has left another potentially staring at a another weapon or contemplating dark thoughts.

    In the few months I have walked these dark paths; I have learned that sometimes our “knight” is a perfect stranger walking a similar path. Another member of the group no one ever wants to join, that in their own moment of strength takes the time to draw the sword they have fashioned themselves from the broken shards of their own dreams.

    Thank you, sincerely from another lost soul.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your words. You are right. Sometimes, most of the time the person who helps the most is the one who understands. The perfect stranger. Sending you love, Thank you Kaiti

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  3. I live the pain and emptiness that you live, FW. My heart aches for my own loss, but it also aches for all of us thrown into this loneliness. There is something at play that I don’t understand, but it seems like someone always reaches out to me when I need it the most. It may be a friend, or a stranger, or just a single thought in blog posting. Please know that you are not alone and there are people who care. Sending you peace and strength.

    Liked by 1 person

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