Fierce Widow

Yesterday I felt too much, today I feel nothing at all. Absolutely nothing and I don’t know which is worse. However feeling nothing at all at least allows me to write of things I otherwise could not.

The day finally arrived that she woke up numb. Her reflection was no longer broken just blank.

She no longer felt lost because suddenly there was nothing to find.

An empty shell of the person she at one point called herself.

Maybe it was her minds way of giving her relief from the pain, she couldn’t explain it because she didn’t understand it.

It was as though on this day anything could be tossed in her direction and she wouldn’t flinch, not even a bit.

She had wanted this day to come, had pleaded for this day. Screamed for the moment in time that she would feel nothing at all. She had thought that to feel nothing would be better than feeling everything.

There was no pain, but neither was there joy.

There was no darkness, but neither was there light.

In this state of numbness she realised the memories would always follow her and it really wasn’t the memories that had haunted her.

Rather it was the dreams she had of a future that would never be. So she took those dreams from her heart and placed them in a cage.

“This is where those dreams will stay, the dreams that now only bring pain.”

Freedom is what she craved.

 

Freedom from grief, freedom from confusion, I crave a future that is full. During my state of numbness I’ve realised the dreams I had of a life with him are my lead weight. They pull me backwards and the only way to move forwards is to let them go.

 

We dreamt of a wedding on the sand at our favourite place, just us with our family and the sunlight beaming onto our skin. – GONE

 

We dreamt of building our dream home together on acreage, with a porch that we could watch the sun set from. – GONE

 

We dreamt of having a tribe of children to keep us on our toes, to fill our home with laughter, love and tantrums for years to come. – GONE

 

We dreamt of travel to secret destinations and living a life full of us. Full of moments and memories made over a lifetime. – GONE

 

We dreamt of resting hand in hand with grey hair and wrinkles that told of the full life we lived. – GONE

 

I am putting our broken dreams to bed. I am letting them go, he would want me to let them go.

The only dream I am chasing now is freedom.