Fierce Widow

I knew you were gone but I waited for you. In a haze of disbelief and shock I waited for you to walk up to me. Minutes and hours ticked over with family and friends moving about around me. Deepened looks of sorrow and pity shadowing their faces. But then it was as though I could no longer see them or maybe I just didn’t care. In my mind all I could see was you. Your face, your life, our life. Like photographs flickering before my eyes.

Instantly paralysed, unable to move in any direction. Consumed in thoughts of its not real, I will fix it, I don’t know how but I will bring you back, this is not the end. So I waited.

I could smell you on our sheets, your scent lingered throughout our home. Your voice I could hear over and over again. Replaying the last words that your lips had spoken to me. I would turn my head in any direction and see you there, but I couldn’t touch you. You would be sitting on our bed or next to me in the car, your mannerisms, gestures and smile I could see clear as day. Every scar on your skin, each hair on your face, each freckle and imperfection of yours imprinted in my mind like a photograph.

As though I were alone and lost in a dark place with images of our life playing out like a movie before my eyes. How could you be gone and be everywhere I was at the same time. Disbelief. Waiting for you didn’t work so I began to search for you. Longing to give my last breath to join you.

On the day you died I experienced for the first time, the pain it was to long for you, to miss you, to ache for you. To feel the absence of you in every inch of me. To feel as though each and every bone in my body had turned to stone. A weight of grief, of sorrow so heavy, it was as though I was being crushed and deprived of air at the same time.

An intense and ruthless bombardment of emotions that I hadn’t even realised existed. How is it possible to feel this much pain. Please come back. I only want to hold you and love with you. Our love can get through this. Believing I loved you enough to bring you back.

Left feeling alone while being surrounded by loved ones. They didn’t understand, no one understood. Alone. I couldn’t begin to find the words to explain it or describe it and still there are not enough words. This was the day you died.

The day you died, a part of me died. I will never be the same person again. I refuse to let that darkness be for nothing. With time beauty can grow from dark places if you allow it to. The day you died I learnt the hard way about what it means to live. And every day since that day I have thought about, what it means to live.

So on the day I die, what legacy will I leave behind? The only legacy that really matters in my life. Love.

For the days I am blessed to live, I will give my life to the ones I love. Strive to give them the most honest, raw and present version of myself. So that they are left with having known all parts of myself.

I will love them freely and fiercely, with passion, bravery and without regret. I will fight for them not with them, cherish them, listen to them, hold them, laugh with them, cry with them, plan with them and run wild with them. Enjoy and appreciate every part of them and every minute shared with them. I will live and love this way because of my loss and for my loss. Fragile are our lives, infinite is the love we leave behind.