Fierce Widow

Side by side we sat, swinging underneath large oak trees in a children’s playground. Watching the world pass us by, sharing smiles, laughter, tears and kisses. Fingers interlocked as we walked holding each other, discussing our future travel plans. Not wanting to accept a still life, we planned to move around the country until we found our perfect haven.

This park that we visited, was some distance away from our home. A place we would escape to occasionally. Sheltered with gigantic aged oaks that I imagined were witness to countless love stories just like ours. Nature in all its beauty, a secret getaway that I had avoided ever going back to.

Its location is somewhat rural and it’s a difficult town to avoid when you’re in the area. Completely aware that I was driving towards this place it didn’t register that it would have such an impact on me if I simply drove into town to fill the car with fuel.

With first sight of the oak tree park, which was in view from the road I was travelling, I was filled with what I can only describe as a feeling of panic. My heart raced as memories so beautiful flooded my mind. Tears welled. My stomach turned to knots with anxiety and I felt almost afraid of being there.

The fuel light glowed red, so I had to continue along. I wanted to scream, I wanted to jump out of the car and run as fast as possible away from this place that haunted me with reminders of the perfect life we once shared.

Each building in the small town, each shop and café screamed happy memories at me. Every corner I looked was a reminder of our life. Breakfast as a family at the local café, vivid images of my love riding a skateboard through the car park with the kids. Ordering juices and wiping little faces with serviettes.

Purchasing cute children’s clothes from the store, filling the car with fuel, pulling cash from the teller machine. Everyday normal life activities swirled as memories rapidly through my mind. Although I was standing still it felt as though the world around me was spinning chaos. I filled the car and drove away surprised by how much I had been affected by this town.

This incident has stuck with me for the past two weeks. It has thrown me into a mirage of thoughts I try not to think about. The mirage of “what if’s” and “if he was here”. Where would our next adventure have taken us?

A day dream so beautiful…

The thoughts, if only…

Dwelling on day dreams is torture. So I changed my thoughts to, what would he want me to be doing now? And why am I not doing it? What is really stopping me?

Nothing!

Yes I have responsibilities and debts but the biggest lesson I’ve taken from this is that life is to short, it could all be over tomorrow so make the most of it. On a whim of spontaneity I decided to book my soul feeding adventure. Possibly it’s just another way for me to escape this new reality, but at least I will wear a genuine smile doing it.

I am going to do exactly what he would want me to do, and that’s to do something for me.

“Actually, I just woke up one day and decided I didn’t want to feel like that anymore, or ever again. So I changed. Just like that”

I wish it were that easy, but its not.

Instead each day I wake up and choose not to live in pain, I am not what has happened.

I will not let my life become a mirage of thoughts. Longing for a life that will always be out of reach, I choose to create a life that is full of life!

The glass will always remain half full until you allow it to overflow with things that bring you joy and happiness. Work on your inner peace, your happiness, your heart. Nothing can change what has happened, nothing can take away the memories.

The intense feelings I shared with him, the love and emotions present in my heart. They have been with me my entire life, he just lit the match that ignited the fire.

He allowed my soul to burn with pure love, a love that had always been present but smothered until he uncovered it.

It is possible to love like that again.

My goal is to find that love within myself, for myself. And let it burn so bright that it lights my path for the rest of my time here. Find your fire and feed it.