Fierce Widow

Dear John,

Each week since you’ve been gone passes in the blink of an eye. Every minute of every day is compiled into countless hours spent longing for you, because I love you. I know now that you won’t be coming home and that reality hurts so much! I miss you.

The words I miss you are tremendously understated when explaining the emotions I feel. People only understand from their perspective and that’s ok. At the same time as wanting others to know how I feel, this pain could never be wished upon another.

Watching couples hold each other as they walk down the street. Hearing friends talk of how they love to snuggle through winter breaks my heart. I hate winter now. It has only bought me tears, there is no warmth in winter without you. I miss you.

I miss feeling loved, I miss making love, I miss his gentle and warm kiss, I miss us together, I miss our life! I miss him upon opening my eyes in the morning, I hate that he is not asleep next to me. I miss waking him up for work.

Every morning waking to his smile and his soft green eyes lost in mine. The smile that spoke a thousand words. Just his smile alone said “I love you”. Moving in close to his body taking in the warmth from his skin as he cocooned me in his arms. Feeling so complete and at home in his embrace. “Good morning princess” would pass his lips just before they would be felt pressed against mine.

I MISS HIM

Each day spent together was soul feeding. A romantic movie that was our life, so much like a flawless romance that we would joke that films like the Note Book, Dear John and The Best of Me were written about our love. We would walk together under the stars, along the beach lost in conversations that actually meant something. Sharing kisses by the ocean with the moon being the only witness to our passion. Never having felt so wild, young and free than what we felt when we were together.

I MISS HIM

Totally comfortable to be our true selves, we laughed till our cheeks could no longer bear the pain. We cried heavy tears together, only to feel cleansed and safe in our insecurities. We teased and play fought like children. Always being brutally honest with each other but in the gentlest way. With laughter singing through the hallway, like teenagers we would chase each other around the house, engage in pillow fights that ended in pillow talks with smiles that stretched from ear to ear.

I MISS HIM

The memory of his hands grabbing my waist. Spinning me around, pulling me into him just for a kiss as he walked through the kitchen. Every single kiss we shared being filled with passion, every kiss from him took my breath away. The way he would always place a hand on my face and draw me into him with love and strength. I always felt desired and loved more than life. Just the two of us under our umbrella, with not a care in the world. Covering one another in love.

I MISS HIM

Out to dinner we would sit hand in hand not losing eye contact for more than a blink. Strangers would stare and comment to us that we should get a room. Elderly couples would smile and say things like “that is precious what you two have”. Never having enjoyed anyone’s company more than we did each other’s. Flirting never dwindled, our love was always alive without having to put in any effort to keep it that way. Sparks flew and quick wit was enjoyed.

I MISS HIM

Sensual towards one another. Candles quite often would fill every inch of our room, creating shadows that danced gracefully on the walls. Comfortable to be naughty and nice. I miss the way he would gently wash my hair in the shower and kiss me all over, taking caution not to miss out on any part of me. I miss laying in his arms for hours on end, telling one another how much we loved each other. I miss saying I love you. I miss hearing I love you.

He gave me more love than I could have imagined were possible, more strength and worth than I could have ever dreamed.  A mutual respect and love so intense nothing will ever compare. A once in a lifetime infinite love.

I miss our perfect life, our perfect love, I miss him!