Fierce Widow

The person that gives you a sense of knowing.

That one person throughout our lives that will always live in our minds, our hearts, our memories. Even if we go long periods of time without seeing them, everyone has that one person, that one connection, that one  mutual deep forever bond with another human being.

Knowing that you will always be safe, knowing that you will always be loved, and knowing that they will always be there.

He was my person, my best friend, my home, my knowing. He always had been.

“I will always be here” he promised, but now he’s not.

There were years that we sat in the back ground of each other’s lives but he was still always there. The knowing person. The person I loved and trusted most in this world. The person who would always have my back even if I was wrong. The person who knew me better than I knew myself. The one person I thought would always be here.

A promise he kept for fifteen years, a promise that should have lasted both our lifetimes.

The person who loved and respected me more than anything or anyone else. The person that would move heaven and earth just to see me smile if he could. The person who thought nothing was impossible.

I wish it wasn’t impossible.

What am I supposed to do without him? Knowing that only my knowing person would know just what to say. Who is there now to stand strong with me and fight through this with me? He was the person I would have turned to.

The only person I could openly talk to about anything.

The person who made me unafraid of my fears, because he knew how to conquer them.

He held me up when I couldn’t stand on my own.

The person that saw through my smile and caught my tears before they had a chance to hit the ground.

He knew the darkest parts of me, when I had only allowed others to see the light.

Blindfolded he still saw where every piece of my puzzle belonged.   

He was my EVERYTHING. How do I even begin to comprehend going on without him.

Alone, misunderstood and afraid of life without him. How do I explain the unexplainable? He has gone. How do I explain that to myself? It’s impossible to believe because he had always been there. Nothing is the same.

How do you heal a broken heart when the only person that can put it back together is the one who broke it. He cannot come back.

I know for certain that life will never be the same. I will never be the same. Nothing compares to the love and knowing we once shared with each other.

I search endlessly for him, because this surely isn’t real. He has always been there, he said he always would be. Where is he now when I need him the most?

Patiently waiting for him in darkness, hoping he will walk towards me and say “I’m sorry I took so long”.

It’s painful being in love with a man who I cannot see, I cannot hear, I cannot hold. Knowing that where ever he is, he feels the same. A love torn apart and a lifetime I will spend longing for us to be together again.

Love was not supposed to be painful.

Although time passes I know the magnitude of this loss never will.

Today I know sadness. Today I know grief.

Today I know longing. Today I know heart ache.

Today I know gratitude for knowing what true heart pounding love is.

I know that beyond the physical presence of him that love will always remain.

I miss him, my home and knowing that he would always be there.

Nothing can break the love we have for each other, love never dies.