Fierce Widow

To my friends who wish they knew what to say,

The sweetest dream consumes my thoughts, his arms embraced me and his smile allowed my heart to beat with warmth again. The dream I had been wishing and praying for, any dream of him. It was beautiful. I no longer felt broken, at least until I woke. Rested eyes opened and I instantly reached for my phone to call him…

Then I couldn’t.

The heart ache that accompanies that reality hurts more than words can describe.

I couldn’t call him, so I tried desperately to fall back to sleep. Wanting more than anything just to be in his presence again, even if only in my dreams. His shirt clutched in my hands with tears silently soaking the pillow case, I wished id never woken up. Ever.

The desire just to hear his voice on the other end of the phone was so intense. He will answer, was what I wanted. But reality screamed, no he won’t.

So I cried, how is this real? I just saw him, I just held him, and I felt the security of his arms wrapped around me. We just shared smiles together, we walked hand in hand to lunch together. We sat in the car and drove to a party together, he was here the whole time. We celebrated a friend’s engagement together. Why did I wake up? I wish I could stay in my dream, stay in slumber until my time here is up.

Do not tell me time will heal because I beg to differ. Instead time only allows you to become use to grief.

If you care that much, than say to me.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I don’t have the words to ease your pain.

I’m sorry you ever had to hear the words “he’s gone”. I’m sorry for those words that brought you to scream, the words that brought you to your knees, and the words that fill your eyes with endless rivers. The words that changed your life.

I’m sorry that you carry so much pain. I am sorry your heart is broken, I promise to sit by your side.

I’m sorry that in losing him you lost a piece of yourself forever, and I’m sorry you will never be whole again. I’m sorry you were changed by grief, I know you’ll never be the same person you were before but I still love you.

I’m sorry that as much as you try to explain it to me I will never know how you feel or what you go through, until the day that I am unfortunate enough to experience it for myself. I’m sorry I don’t know how to be there for you but I will try.

Do not tell me, he wouldn’t want you to be sad or that he would want you to move on. Instead say to me.

I’m sorry you are left having to rebuild your life when it was perfect just as it was. You were so happy and in love, I know you were living your dreams. I’m sorry life has been unfair and cruel.

I’m sorry that not everyone knows what it’s like to have loved someone more than life itself and then to lose that person…

I can’t possibly imagine.

I’m sorry that without him you often wonder, what is the point.

I’m sorry that even your sweetest dreams, now haunt your waking thoughts. I’m sorry that you still search for him, I’m sorry you will always long for him. I know how much you love him.

Please do not avoid speaking about him, I want you to sing his name just as I do.

And after all this if you still cannot find the words, then just say

I’m sorry you lost him.